Welcome to the Church of La Parka

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La Parka FAQ

Q:  Where is La Parka wrestling right not?

A:  Since his departure from WCW, La Parka has been working many shows in Mexico.  From what I have heard, the chairman wrestles almost every night in Mexico, as well as working the occasional US indy show.

Q:  Is it me, or is there more that one La Parka?

A:  While there can be only one La Parka, there are a few imposters, and variations of his gimmick.  Antonio Pena, the owner of the Mexican AAA federation has owned the Mexican rights to the La Parka gimmick since La Parka began working for the WCW.  Since then, he has introduced La Parka Jr., the bastard son of the original and La Parkita, the mini version.  The REAL La Parka doesn't approve of Pena's use of his likeness, but due to legal reasons, AAA is able to get away with it.  There is also a luchador by the name of 'Super Parka,' who's costume is identical to La Parkas, but features Superman symbols on the forehead and crotch (heh heh).  He is La Parka's uncle (?) and was given the gimmick from the chairman himself.  As a matter of fact, the two of them tag with each other once in a while.

Q:  Why isn't La Parka on the lucha libre television shows?

A:  Due to the fact that Antonio Pena owns the rights to the La Parka gimmick, the real La Parka can't appear on Mexican television.  CMLL, the Mexican federation that has a great weekly television show often books La Parka on their house shows, but are unable to use him on T.V.  In my opinion, this is one of the worlds greatest travesties.

Last year, I won the "Singing Sud" jingle contest for Suds Beer. You know, the commercial that goes "Suds Beer really hits the spot when you slurp it off that countertop!" Anyway, first prize was an all-expense paid trip to Paris France and a Camcorder! I took my wife Beatrice along, and after we got to take the tour and see how veal was made at a French farm, we got to go this big fancy art museum called the Loove.

Anyway, there we are, looking at all this art, when we get to this one Italian dude's exhibit - I think he invented the airplane or something- and there's this huge ass painting of The Last Supper. I thought it looked a little faded, myself. My aunt Claudine's got a better looking one painted on velvet in her living room. Anyway, Bea gets all excited and says, "Honey, film me standing  in front of Jesus!" So, we had to push these big purple ropes  out of the way, and she's standing there in front of the painting, and I film her for a little bit.  Then, when we get back home, we invite some friends over and show them our vacation films, when we get to Bea standing in front of the Last Supper. All of the sudden, Jesus's face starts warping and spinning and doing all this weird shit AND THEN IT CHANGES TO LA PARKA'S FACE! 

We're all really stunned by this, when all the sudden my friend Haney gets up, starts dancing like a chicken, then smacks my other friend Joe on the back of his head with his chair! The women get all upset and start screaming, and I grab the tape out of the VCR. I got my nephew Stanley to convert it to GIF, so here it is!

Haney's doing OK now, but Joe's still pissed off as hell.

In June 1850, Millard Fillmore, Vice-President of the United States, was in a blue funk over the fact that like all the vice-presidents that preceded him, he would never amount to anything and would be forgotten soon after the administration of President Zachary Taylor would leave office. Seated with his wife Abigail (yes, the same Abigail who had earlier in life taught Millard how to read), he prayed for a miracle that would establish his name once and for all. Being a Unitarian, Millard couldn't pray to the usual God--but La Parka was to answer his call.

At that very same moment in Mexico, the psyche of "La Raza", the Mexican nation, was still trying to come to grips with the fact that it had lost over half its territory to the United States as a result of the Mexican War. Collectively and to no avail, they would pray to the Virgin of Guadalupe to exact some small token of retribution for their great loss. La Guadalupe would turn a deaf oído to the masses--not even one "¡Órale!" in return--but La Parka was to answer their call.

In July 1850, Zachary Taylor, twelfth President of the United States and a hero of the Mexican War (from the north-of-the-border point of view) sat down to eat his dinner with his lovely wife. Lo and behold, as he took his first bite from the standing position and went to sit down--there was no seat!!! He fell to the floor and consequently choked to death on that not-yet-digested morsel of food, while, at the door to the Oval Office stood the skeletal figure, speaking Mexican-accented Spanish while brandishing the missing Presidential dining room chair.

La Parka delivered the chair to new President Millard Fillmore, who gleefully took the oath of office, knowing that as a result of La Parka's action, he would be the only man in the history of the U.S. to serve simultaneously as President of the United States and Chancellor of the University of Buffalo, thus sealing his immortality.

And Mexico rejoiced in La Parka's exacting a deathly revenge.

• La Parka is real, and residing deep down in each of our hearts. I was golfing in Bodega Bay over the weekend, and just before my final tee shot, a strangely familiar voice said, "Puttar el ballo en la hola." I closed my eyes, deeply inhaled, concentrated on the mantra "plancha, plancha, oye como va, plancha," and swung. I watched my golf ball sail over the fairway, land on the green, and roll over and drop into the hole. Standing behind the hole, with the flag in his hand, stood my Savior, La Parka. He played "Don't Fear the Reaper" using the flag as his guitar, did his "Running hombre" dance and vaporized without even a cloud of smoke. Thank you, blessed La Parka. Forgive my previous indifference and restore unto me the joy of thy salvation.

• "I'll never forget the time I was fishing with my brother Sammy and we were drinking lots of beer. We both got pretty drunk and Sammy said, "I'M THE MESSIAH! LOOK AT ME, I CAN WALK ON THE WATER!" Well, Sammy started walking off the shore, and fell straight in sinking way out of my sight. I was afraid to get in the water, so I just sat at the edge of the shore, petrified. This freaky looking big guy in a Skeleton Suit came running up the bank with this crazy ass strut. He pulled a big metal folding chair out and tied a rope to it. He then strummed it like a guitar for about 10 seconds then threw it in the lake. After doing the crazy strut a bit more, he pulled on the rope, and my brother Sammy came flying out of the water, landing right on the bank. Sammy wasn't breathing, so this guy started hitting his stomach with the chair. Water and fish flew out of Sammy's mouth as he started breathing again. I told this strange man, "Thanks!" and asked him what his name was. He handed me a card that simply read "La Parka". I told him thanks again, then Sammy did the same. Then, this man named La Parka hit us both on the head with his chair and strutted off into the sunset. I love La Parka. Long live La Parka!"

• I'll never forget it, me and my friend Dom, were skiing in Aspen, when Dom, who just finished his 6th Long Island Iced Tea of the day, decided that the bunny slopes were too easy for him, Dom, who has been skiing for all of 3 hours, decides that he will go to the advanced slopes. Dom, doing his best Alberta Tomba imitation, attempts a 360 in mid air, however being 233 pounds all Dom could do was bellyflop 20 feet to the ground, from where I stood, Dom's legs were both broken. Out of nowhere, this figure emerges from the snow, playing a folding chair like a guitar, when he came closer i realized that it was La Parka, I yelled to him to help my friend. La Parka put the folding chair down, did something that resembled the chicken dance, and snowboarded to Doms rescue. La Parka threw Dom over his shoulders and carried him 4 miles in sub-zero weather to the nearest trauma center, stopping only to do that crazy chicken dance. When we arrived at the hospital, I thanked La Parka, he shook my hand and as I turned away, he hit me with the same chair, ran over to Dom, and knocked him off his stretcher, the last thing I remember before passing out, was La Parka on top of his chair still dancing. I couldn't believe it! What a hero! VIVA LA PARKA!!!!!!"

• So there I was walking home from SummerSlam. It was late and I was taking the short-cut through an abandoned alleyway. I was walking down when I was approached by some street toughs. One said, "Hey there fresh meat. How's it going? How about you come over here with my friend, Pablo. He wants to go on a date with you." I knew I was in dip trouble. I couldn't do anything but run. So I ran. I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran until I was reached a dead-end. This was it. I was about to be butt-raped by these street thugs. They went up to me and pulled down my pants. Then I heard the sound "SMACK!". One street thug went down. I pulled up my pants and turned around. It was LA PARKA!! All these years of worship had paid off. I took out my La Parka rosary and kissed it. La Parka laid the smackdown on the other thugs with his trusty steel folding chair. Afterwards he did the holy strut and knee wobble. I was in tears, for it was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed. I bowed down to him. He merely saluted me and in a cloud of smoke he disappeared. HE LITERALLY VAPORIZED BEFORE MY VERY EYES!! As I walked home I looked to the sky, a yellow light flashed in the sky, in the middle was a black La Parka face. I knew it was the La Parka signal, and I felt safe because La Parka was watching over me and the rest of the good folks of New York City, that one glorious August night.

• When I was a young child, I always used to go to the county fair. And that's because of one thing...The ferris wheel. I loved riding it by myself. Sure, I was short, and needed help climbing up into the seat, but it was worth it. Looking out from the top of the ferris wheel was one of the biggest joys in my young life. But one day, things went wrong...I was almost mesmerized as I saw the ferris wheel that day. I handed my ticket to the ride operator, not even giving him a glance. And he helped me aboard the seat...and the machine began to move...Oh, the ecstasy I felt when reached the top...I looked around that little village in Mexico...all around on the streets, luchadors walked around, proudly...And then I felt that jerk, that told me I was about to go down...But I didn't...I looked down to see that I was the only one of the ferris wheel, and that while the wheel was going around, a cable had snapped! I was all alone! And stranded! I was about to die! I waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity, when suddenly, I heard a banging...SOMEONE WAS CLIMBING UP TO RESCUE ME! I tried to look over below to see who it was...but I couldn't see well...I sat back and waited...and then...the face of LA PARKA appeared! I wrapped my thin arms around his neck...and he carried me down, hanging dangerously over the ground below, but I knew that La Parka could save me! When we reached the bottom, La Parka patted me on the head, and took of his cape...AND GAVE IT TO ME! Then, without a word, he turned and ran. I never saw him again. But I will always cherish the cape of La Parka. That was the most wonderful moment of my life. La Parka, I love you!

Guadalupe Lopez, longtime follower of La Parka sends us this picture from El Paso, Texas. Early in August she was eating her bacon and eggs when La Parka appeared to her in the yolk, right before she almost dipped her buttery toast into his face. He told her to be calm in these trying times and she didn't have to worry about a Year 2000 bug affecting her microwave oven. Everything was going to be just fine, according to La Parka. I think those are words that we can all benefit from! By the way, that reminds me from a passage in "La Parka's Book of The Chair" in Chapter 16 verse 3 that says, "Bacon y juevos esta muy bien!"